Ep 031 – Homeschooling, Adoption, and Special Needs Children

Suburban Folk 0:00
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Unknown Speaker 0:46
I don’t trust that most people will eat their

Unknown Speaker 0:48
vegetables. So our kind of standard is three servings of vegetables per meal. You take something like a

Unknown Speaker 0:55
two biceps and you cut it with a circular saw.

Unknown Speaker 0:57
That’s like a superpower those middle school years. not as fun but at that age, they’re still willing to talk to you.

Suburban Folk 1:03
Welcome to the Suburban Folk podcast. I’m your host, Greg. Today’s episode we focus on homeschooling, adoption and parenting children with special needs. This is especially timely with the social distancing requirements due to COVID-19 that we’re all experiencing. So if your children’s school is closed and your daycare is closed, and you’re managing your work life as well as parenting responsibilities, there’s a lot of information that you can take in with this episode. My guest is Laura Hernandez. She’s the owner of mama systems and the mother of 10 children. In the last five years she and her husband have added six children to their family, three biological and three adopted three of Laura’s children attend public school, she homeschools five children and she manages 20 plus appointments a week for her three special needs children. Laura is dedicated to helping women bring more peace to their homes, designing customized systems that help a family run smoothly. Reduce a mother’s daily workload is her specialty. Thanks, Laura, for taking some time to join me today on the show. How are you? I’m doing great. I’m so glad to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, absolutely. Can you get us started by giving your background how your family grew into the family that it is now and then how you turn that into your business of mama systems?

Unknown Speaker 2:26
Yes, I would love to. So my husband and I live in the Dallas area, and we have 10 kiddos, and seven of those are biological and three are adopted out of foster care. And I’m going to make a really long story as concise as I possibly can. After we had our third child, my husband said, You know what, we need to go ahead and start the adoption process because I know we want to do that. But we’re kind of at my max here. So we need to kind of get the adoption thing rolling and we went to an adoption class at our church and I had really went to Africa. He really wanted to adopt from China. And they said, do not want Unless you’re on the same page, and so then a foster care panel comes up. And we are thinking there’s no way that we want to do foster care because your heart is broken over and over again, right? So these people were up there talking about how the hearts broken over and over again. And we both looked at each other. And we’re like crap, that’s what we’re supposed to be doing right now. And so we started the foster care journey, which was a just a very long process, but of having your heart broken. So Andrew came to us when he was four days old, and then went back to his mama at eight months. And through that time, we had kind of got to meet mama and build a relationship with her and all that to say she had two more children. We went up to Seattle and had two more children. And while we were up there that three of her kids were then placed in foster care again, and we had the opportunity to try to adopt them. And we were not able to do that we’re up in Seattle. And so we had to move back to Texas to become foster parents again here and go through all the training everything again. And we became foster parents here and then got them in our home. And then we had two more biological children since then. So all that to say, kind of growing our family, especially that growing pain of adding the three of them in one year, and we also had our fifth biological that year. So we added four kids in one year. And it was just we were in survival mode, non stop, especially because not only were they just difficult kids, because they came out of the foster care system, and they were dealing with abuse and neglect and all of that. But we have also learned since then, that they are special needs bodies and have intellectual and developmental delay. And so I mean, it explains so much as to why that was so incredibly hard, besides just adding four children to the family. So we’re just kind of in survival mode. From there. I tried to find different things, for resources for our family, and we’re never I was never able to find anything that was adaptable to us, just because we’re so unique. And so I kind of had to start at the drawing board and come up with our own plans, our own systems and our own structure to make our family thrive and be peaceful and function in a great way, and once I did that, I was like, I wish somebody would have been there for me, that could have walked me through this. And so that’s kind of why I started mama systems is to be that for other mamas to help them with their unique family and customized systems for their home,

Suburban Folk 5:23
putting some extra context around your decision to be foster parents and then ultimately adopt How old were your biological children when you were going through that decision?

Unknown Speaker 5:37
six, four and two, I believe,

Suburban Folk 5:41
okay, so a handful in and of themselves, I would imagine, just by probably any standards. And when you say the challenges that come with deciding to be foster parents For the uninitiated, too. That world. What are some of those considerations?

Unknown Speaker 6:04
Yeah, so our, I think our fear was, and I think what a lot of people say to us often is, I could never do that. Like, I couldn’t love a kid because you’re opening yourself up to be wounded. Like, that’s what you’re signing up for. You’re saying, I’m gonna, I’ll take this kid into my home, I’ll treat him like my own. He’s going to become my child, and I will take care of him and love him and nurture him and connect with him. And then you’re allowing this state, I mean, allowing the state comes in and says, No, okay, it’s time to go back to your parents now. And he’s taken away from you, and it’s your heart is ripped open, and you have that awareness when you’re signing up for it. And so that’s kind of delirious. So it’s talking about just kind of fear of fear of your heart being broken.

Suburban Folk 6:46
And is that compare to somebody that’s just going right towards adoption? Is there separate paths there? And I guess what are those considerations?

Unknown Speaker 6:57
As far as I know, I do not know an adoption story that has just been easy. CPC every adoption process has its has its glitches, it has its hardships to it. Simply because nothing is final until its final. So a country could change its regulations midway through, you could have been matched with a child and be two years into waiting. And then all of a sudden the country closes. Which means that they are no longer allowing adoptions or their children to be sent out to other nations, right. So every every kind of adoption just kind of has its own set of scary unknowns. And I really think that the only thing that is really brings me peace of knowing that is knowing that beyond a shadow of a doubt, we knew that we’re supposed to be doing this and we did it together as a team. It wasn’t one of us saying I want to do this and the other one reluctantly dragging your feet. But we’re both on the same team moving forward in that, you know, because even now, there’s so many days that are so hard They’re just hard and attachment wise and with their special needs as well. They’re just they can be really difficult sometimes. And so I’ve had a few friends asked me, Do you like knowing everything you know, now, would you? Do you regret what you did? And do you regret the decisions that you guys made to take them on? And I think that I could easily say yes, if I did not know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that was like it was so clear to us all along the way, that that’s what we’re supposed to be doing. And so the days that get hard, I don’t doubt that we were supposed to do that because we were so certain beforehand.

Suburban Folk 8:38
I would imagine that this shines a light, a glaring light on a marriage and needing to be on the same page for a lot of things. But when it is something as heavy as foster care and adoption, all the more so you need to be on the same page. As a couple of Because it’s not just between you and your spouse at that point, you’re bringing another life into that equation. And the more cracks that you have on being on the same page are going to show in that overall relationship. So it definitely makes sense. And I think why your story and message is very powerful for people to take a look at and why I was also interested in the age of your kids even leading up to that decision. So my kids are three and five, and I only have two. So I know how much work they can be, let alone then adding, you almost doubled the amount of kids that you had. And then like you said, Just whatever else comes in with that, if their biological parents are still involved, I assume is a piece of that. Like you said, whatever emotional, psychological baggage they might have, just from what their past has been is something you know, you’re gonna have to be Working through without having the benefit I imagine of the history, of course that you have with your own biological children that you’re peeling back the onion. So it all makes sense to me, at least as far as how I would think intentional, you need to be not only with the decision, but even with the plan once you start to move forward, and before we peel back a little bit more of that one question I wanted to ask you also kind of with you having the three and then starting to adopt, you also have history with homeschooling. When did you start doing homeschooling and that’s top of mind because right now as we record this, we’re in the middle of social distancing and people that weren’t necessarily planning a decision like that had been thrust into it, at least for some amount of time. So were you homeschooling your first three? When did that start to come into To the equation. And then of course, what kind of advice do you have for the people that are having to do it now whether they chose to or not?

Unknown Speaker 11:09
Yeah, so we have been homeschooling since the very beginning. So 2010 ish, when my oldest was four. And I’m a woman of faith. And so kind of a big part of decisions are based on praying and, and seeking advice and stuff. And so, you know, we were in a house in one neighborhood, and my husband kept asking me to homeschool and I was like, there is no way in hell I’m homeschooling like, I just, I’m not doing it, I would be the one at home with them. And I’m not doing that I don’t want to be a teacher, I’d you know, whatever. This was a constant thing. And he kept asking me And finally, friends were like, you know, you really need to let this go, man, like, she doesn’t want to do it, leave her alone, let it be whatever. And so we ended up moving houses to a new house to be in a better school district so that we can send our children to public school and We get in this new neighborhood. And about a year later, I start feeling like I’m supposed to be homeschooling. And then I start feeling like I’m going crazy, because I’ve made such a big deal about how I do not want to homeschool, and help us not what I want to do with my life. And we just moved houses to a new neighborhood, better school district, whatever. And so I just started to pray. I was like, Lord, I feel like I’m going nuts here. And so I need somebody to call me within the next 24 hours and mentioned homeschooling to me because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. And I had a girlfriend call me up and say, Hey, have you ever heard of classical conversations? This is kind of this homeschool thing. And I’m wondering if you if you’d be interested in going to the open house with being like, Oh my gosh, did God tell you to call me like what do I What’s going on here? Anyway, so she thought it was nuts and the rest is history. We went and signed up and I’ve loved it ever since. And I love I love being at home with my kids. I really enjoy my children. And so I love been home with them. And then I also have loved learning along with them. I feel like I’ve totally been able to redeem my education. And I don’t really know what I did the whole time I was in school, but I don’t think it was learning. I think that I just went for the friends and didn’t learn anything because I learned stuff now and it’s so fun and so exciting. And all that to say though, I realized that as as a Mama, I feel like when you hear somebody say, I love this so much. And then you’re feeling like I don’t love this so much. I you automatically start thinking something’s wrong with you. And so I also need to say that my three special buddies go to public school, and having them home is so difficult and so hard, and I miss public school, and I don’t enjoy that so much. That’s really, really hard for us. So just so you know, I’m on both ends of the spectrum here of how I love homeschooling and how I’m like, I just can’t do it with you guys. You need to go to school. Yeah, are there any

Suburban Folk 14:00
Tried and True considerations for a parent that is deciding if homeschooling is for them and their family as opposed to not to like, for example, other than your husband continuing to say maybe we should do this leading up to before you started to pray about it. Was there something else that occurred that made you start to consider it like you said, even after the move to the school district, that was a better school district that you would tell people, hey, consider this aspect. And this will maybe sway you one way or the other.

Unknown Speaker 14:36
Well, I started that first that first year I kind of felt a little crazy now, and I didn’t tell my husband, I was like, I don’t want to resent him. I don’t want to tell him that I’m even thinking about it. Because if I do it because of him that I’m going to be ticked off. I don’t like it later, right. And so that first year, I just did a bunch of little worksheets with my daughter and she’s like four or five or something. So it wasn’t nothing fancy. But I just spent some time kind of Doing some school Eve like activities with her. And so honestly, this is probably the ideal time to kind of figure out if homeschooling is your jam or not like if this really brings you life and you’re really enjoying having your kids home and teaching them and learning with them, then that may be a good fit for your family. But also, like that’s what I would recommend to a family. And I feel like this is a really good time. However, I know that the teachers are sending home all the schoolwork that they’re supposed to be doing and doing online classes and looking at the curriculum that the public school teachers are sending home. It’s kind of based on if they were in school right now what they’d be doing during the day, right. home school doesn’t typically look anything like a public school system. And so while it may be like eight hours of work at school, it might be two hours of work at home. And so I think that people need to take that into consideration as well as that. You can accomplish a whole lot more at home than you did again in public school.

Suburban Folk 16:00
Is that just a numbers game? Meaning, hey, you as the teacher are teaching some amount less kids, you know, as many as, gosh 30 less kids, let’s say, in a classroom where you’re doing one on one, or is it something else that allows you to be that much more productive in homeschooling as compared to in the public school setting?

Unknown Speaker 16:25
Yeah, I think it’s definitely there’s definitely numbers game going on there. But then there’s also and I heard this from mine. So if there’s any public school teachers out there, I’m not trying to, I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. That’s not my goal here. friends who were teachers who are now homeschooling, just talk about all the time that is spent, like getting everybody in line up, getting everybody to be quiet, taking everybody to lunch, coming back, sitting down, getting settled, getting your stuff out, like there’s just so much time that’s wasted. And here we kind of have our system and our routine and like go do an hour of math, they do that they do their handwriting, they do their stuff, and then they’re done. And then they can just go play the rest. Today,

Suburban Folk 17:00
do you have to draw the line at all between home school time compared to just home time in and of itself? And then similarly, is there any line that you draw as regular parent, if you will, compared to teacher parent?

Unknown Speaker 17:20
Well, I think the teacher parent is always coming out. I feel like that’s our that’s definitely our job as parents is to continually teach and educate and even if it’s not formal, sitting down with like, worksheets or textbooks or whatever, right? So even, we’re watching I think it’s called spies in disguise. Will Smith cartoon movie about a pigeon or something? And as they’re like, at these different landmarks, I’m like, okay, that’s what landmark is that what speech was given there, and I’m like, finding myself trying to get the gift, like, interact with me and tell me all the historical things about this pigeon spy movie that we’re watching. So I think it all just kind of runs together and loses out which is kind of the fun part about it. It’s because we want our kids to love learning. And I don’t want it to be just a segment that you do this at school. I want it to be all the time, like so we’re watching fun documentaries, and we’re looking at stuff if we don’t know, we’ll go look it up and figure it out and just continually learning and to have a

Suburban Folk 18:13
hunger for an enjoyment of learning. What’s the cliche phrase, something like education is wasted on the young I think what is supposed to mean is they just want to get it done, because that’s kind of what you think of have passed the test?

Unknown Speaker 18:27
Yeah, I think that was my whole education. And so now I’m able to enjoy it. So I want to impart that

Suburban Folk 18:32
upon them to is to love learning and reading and also hopefully even to build on what they’re learning rather than pass the test and then just purge it out of your brain, that you don’t need it anymore. And then you’ve just sort of learned how to memorize a thing. And one other thing I just want to highlight, again, is folks are working through the social distancing with the Coronavirus stuff. The good news story of what you’re saying here The couple hours to get through that curriculum is, hey, you don’t necessarily have to spend all day while you’re figuring out your work life and everything else that’s going on, to maybe keep them up to speed on what they need to be learning. Heck, I mean, where I live, and I think in many states, they pretty much already canceled through the rest of the year. So like you said, while there’s stuff being sent home, and I’m sure is very daunting to get through, hopefully with a certain focus and a certain schedule, people are able to do both things manage some semblance of a work life balance, while also making sure that their kids are still where they need to be.

Unknown Speaker 19:43
So first of all, like the I, again, I feel so grateful for all the things that the teachers are sitting at home and doing for us and that they’re working hard, but I also think that a lot of that is because that’s their job, right? That’s what they’re doing. However, it’s same time like I don’t think that we are excited. To do everything that they’re sending home. So if you, the thing that I’m teaching, my mom is like if you can just pick three things to focus on. So the three things that are most important to you guys, so for us, it’s math and writing and our little devotional time in the morning, and if you can just have those three things top of mind. And just make sure you get through those three things. Like you have a winner of a day, right? So yeah, maybe have the other things written down or have your kids go through them. But if they don’t, don’t, don’t sweat it like the I feel like our focus needs to be on our family right now. And when our kids look back at this time, I guess I want them to feel like this was such a great time. It’s our family. We got to put so much time together, we got to play games, we got to really enjoy each other’s company. And you know, that’s what I learned how to, I don’t know, like I also teach my mom is like this is a great time to work on different character qualities like integrity or different things like that, that you want to instill in your kids. And so, thinking about what What will they think about when they look back on this Coronavirus? And I don’t want it to be that I was sitting there saying you need to go do this, you need to go do this, go do this, this whole thing be like a litany of, of schooling items that they need to finish, you know,

Suburban Folk 21:13
in a good way, a lot of different messages that we’re seeing on social media now of make use of the time, right? Like it’s not worse. It’s different in the current setup that we have, and like you said, use that time to figure out things in this case that you want to be teaching your kids or new ways to do things, whatever that happens to be. Don’t just consider it some sort of time. You just have to get through. Yeah, figure out a way to actually use it. One other thing that I’d be really curious on your perspective on is I think one thing people think of for homeschooling is the social aspect. And where do you go to get your kids with other peers? their age? Is that enough? Is there any pitfalls going on with them being with you as an adult and less kids their age that they would have in a public school setting?

Unknown Speaker 22:12
Yeah, that’s so funny because it’s up to him one of the things that everybody is very concerned about this social socialization. But I find if you were to come over to our house and and talk to my kids, I find that I hope that you would find that they’re very mature and can handle themselves, well could look you in the eye, shake your hand, speak up to you and talk to you and carry on a conversation with you being an adult. Which is a wonderful quality to have, right? I come across other high school students that are not able to look me in the eye not able to shake my hand not able to carry on the conversation and I’m thinking what in the world like, how are you going to survive in the world because you can’t, you cannot talk to me as a as a kid, right? all that to say socializing with their peers. They’re they’re all in different co ops. And so they have friends that they socialize with, and we have playdates with and they’re all in sports teams and do scouting and different things like that. So they definitely have ways that they’re hanging out with people in their peer group. But one of the joys of homeschooling I think, is just being able to watch interactions. They’re not solely with their peers. So they’re able to watch interactions with older kids and younger kids. And so when we get together with our Co Op, it’s not just sixth graders, it’s sixth graders, 10th graders, four year olds. And so you just see this beauty of all the children playing together and like the older kids being so kind to the little buddies like we have some, some sixth grade boys that you would think that there would be too cool for school, but they are on the floor playing with my two year old and think the world of him and he thinks the world of them and it’s just really sweet, really sweet interactions. So I have yet to have a problem with my children being social and awkward or weird or I don’t know, I also find that homeschooling is becoming more of a normal, like, apart from this situation right here. More and more people are homeschooling. And so growing up what I pictured as home schoolers was the awkward and weird kid that didn’t have any friends and all of that. But I, I find that the homeschooling kids are more capable to have interactions with other people and are more mature about their interactions with other people. So,

Suburban Folk 24:25
you know, just speculating to hear you say that it would be interesting to find with social media and technology being what it is. And I think that most parents that have kids in that tween and teen age would agree that the screen time and all that is if it’s not a problem already, it certainly is becoming one as kids get older. So yeah, you might even see that stereotype flip. That is If homeschooled kids are interacting with more adults and different age levels, like you’re talking about, and there is even more ways of just keeping them away from screens, I guess, because you’re with them more in keeping them more engaged. They actually may become the less awkward ones in social interaction. So that would be kind of different than like, what you say. I think what we maybe we’re used to thinking growing up and when, when homeschooled kids would get into more of a public school setting.

Unknown Speaker 25:30
Yeah, my daughter. We just got my daughter cell phone, she just turned 14, it’s kind of a big deal. And we are clearly like, when she would say I’m the only one that doesn’t have a cell phone. She really was the only one that didn’t have a cell phone. And so we just got it for but we were able in that waiting period between when her friends got it and when she got it, we’re able to have a lot of conversations of like she go to youth group and all the kids would be on their cell phones and so it’d be uncomfortable for her because she didn’t have one but I’m like Can you talk to me about those interactions? Like what is what does it seem like? Are they able to, like they’re more enthralled in their phone than they are and having interactions with people and like their youth group, building relationships and interacting, right, and they’re stuck on their phones and can’t look up. So it was just good for her to be able to observe that. And so now that she has a phone, she’s aware of that and can put down her phone and have a conversation with people and not not be so sucked into it.

Suburban Folk 26:27
I think that’s all a great perspective, especially like you said, right now, people can use this time if it’s something they never considered before, as far as homeschooling and of course, it doesn’t necessarily have to be just straight homeschooling, but even how the family unit interacts after school, maybe around the dinner table or otherwise to be more fully engaged as they interact with each other. So hopefully, people will keep that in mind as they get back to whatever our new version of normal is. We see the light at the end of the tunnel for Coronavirus. Jumping back into some of the specifics for your family. And, again, we talked about your experience with foster care and adoption. And then like you mentioned, you’re also dealing with special needs children, for those that are not used to having those kind of interactions. And granted, that’s a different way in that it’s not necessarily a decision that you’re proactively making like foster care, but what are the considerations, once you realize that you are going to be raising a child with special needs? And how does that family dynamic change if it does in that situation?

Unknown Speaker 27:44
I mean, clearly, once we figured that out, they the children did not change at all right? It was just our perspective and our, our understanding of what life would look like and could look like with our new knowledge. So there was definitely and I feel like it’s a constant constant process of grief of like acceptance and mourning and all like all these things that that are just constant and it different circumstances bring them out like we were at SeaWorld a couple weeks ago. And we had some issue with one of them doing something. And I remember just breaking down at SeaWorld and crying and I called up my girlfriends and they said, Laura, it’s just, it’s grief. It’s grief, that it’s not just this one instance, it’s the day after day after day of being really hard. And then this ideal moment, it’s SeaWorld that you thought was gonna be a great family experience. And this child has been really, really difficult and just like, all that grief just came, so that has definitely been a piece of it. There’s also been a piece of like grace and acceptance towards them, and on myself of like, oh, my goodness, yes, this is really hard. And it’s so hard. That state agrees with me that it’s so hard that they’re willing to support me in this. Like, I feel like if the government thinks If you have a hard life then that’s that’s going to mean something right? So it was just like okay, I can be kinder to myself, I’m not an awful parent, they haven’t caught up or they haven’t reached all their milestones and then also been a bit of grace towards them of they really can’t do this right now like it’s a really difficult task for them to do this and so just being able to come around and they’re not trying to be defiant or disobey or whatever, they’re just really can’t do it or it’s a really hard thing for them. So I think it has changed a lot of our perspective and also with this diagnosis, we’re able to find help that took that was another piece of the wanting to start this business because it took such a long road to a know that there was help out there and then be good help for our family. And I, once that happened, I was like, Oh my goodness. Again, why has no one told me this? Why has it It’s almost like people want to keep it a secret. The government is not announcing that they’re trying to get help for your family, by any stretch of the imagination, and barely anybody else like the therapist and the special needs teachers, they nobody else was announcing either. And so I’m, I’m kind of on a new crusade to, to be an announcer of those things. No, admittedly, I’m thinking in my head, there used to be these infomercials for books that would say, Did you know The government will give you money for pick the strange thing that people wouldn’t necessarily

Suburban Folk 30:31
know. But to your point? Yeah, there are programs out there that are not well known for support. And I would imagine in this world, any support you can get is needed and in some ways should be expected. I also imagine a community support group would also be very key to be able to bounce situations off of or just and have emotional support. You said when you’re having a tough day?

Unknown Speaker 31:01
Yes, I think that is definitely definitely having good friends that don’t judge you for saying things like, I don’t like him right now. He’s being really hard and that being an okay thing to say and then holding space for that and, and letting you have that time to process and feel and deal with whatever’s going on in your home.

Suburban Folk 31:23
Are the milestones different when dealing with a special needs child? Now granted special needs, I assume can run a large spectrum. So that answer probably is very unique to the child, but are there certain things that you should be adjusting just for? Okay, it’s going to take this period of time for this personality trait to subside, whether it’s just stubbornness or certain ways of doing things. You should not even look at it from a milestone standpoint. It’s just too unique per child.

Unknown Speaker 32:05
Yes. So I think, I mean, the screenings when you go in for your annual wild child checks are a pretty good indicator of things that they should be doing shouldn’t be doing whatever that they can do. And we just have such a, we have such a pool of children here at our house that it was very easy to say like you should be doing this by now. And you’re not doing this like using two word sentences or able to walk across a room without falling over like you should be able to do that. So it was it was very eye opening for me. I was never around special needs families or children growing up. And so I didn’t really know what that looked like at all. And so when we went to we had actually gone to the doctor to the neurologist because Matthew had had a seizure. And so we went to get him checked out and kind of figure out what, I don’t know. Nobody I knew had ever had a seizure before either. So I was trying to figure all that out and the neurologist is coming To give him the debrief on the scan, and he said, you know, we also noticed that he’s about two years delayed and processing speed. And I was like, okay, that doesn’t surprise me because he just just a little slower than the rest and like, it takes some oil to do anything. And but he was saying it very seriously, like, he’s telling me something very profound, and I’m sick. Okay, well, what does that mean? It’s like, Well, you know, when a kid has more than one delay, so his processing speed, his his speech, his motor skills, everything really plays, he said, we call that global delay, you know, what does that mean for like, long term, like long term, and he cuz again, in my mind, I just have no category for this. And so I said, so he’s two years delayed now. So when he’s 27, he’s going to be acting like he is 25. And what’s the difference there? Right, like, that’s what I’m thinking. And I knew that that was a ridiculous statement, but at the same time, I just wanted parameters of like, what does this look like? What is our new normal is he I don’t know what what does this look like? So he kind of explained To me what that will look like if like, hey, what he’s in his 40s, who’s probably gonna look more like he’s in his teen years. And so it’s kind of more of a realization of Okay, he’s, he’s gonna be with us for a long time like, Lord willing, we can one day sit him out, maybe he can be in a group home or something like that, but he might, he might be with living with us for the rest of his life. All three of them might be living with us for the rest of their life. And so we later went to the MH EMR place, which is kind of where you go if you think if you have a child with special needs, they were the ones that informed us that Matthew and Andrew and Hannah are all had IDD. And so that stands for intellectual and developmental delay. And just simply because I did not know this, and I’m kind of, again trying to educate people and bring light to this. That’s kind of the new PC term for mental retardation. And so they’re trying to exit from vocabulary altogether, with just wonderful. But at the same time, people are kind of confused as to what it is. So I’m just trying to marry the two.

Suburban Folk 35:07
That’s perfect For the uninitiated and know some of the terms or what kind of conversations you’d even be hearing, as well as what accommodations may be out there and available. And yeah, you know what, you hit something else. When I’m saying milestones, I think myself included, people may may or may not think of a milestone being leaving the home having a life in themselves, but you hit on an important point with special needs is that’s a consideration in and of itself of are they going to get to that point at all. And of course, that’s going to affect everything from there on out, hack even to did I ever think I was going to downsize my house, let’s say, you know, when you get to a certain age, and the kids are all out, I mean, that’s a minor one, I’m sure in the grand scheme, but but just Gosh, even if Something happens to you who’s going to take care of the kids as opposed to that certain milestone and so on. So just a ton of things, I would think that come on to the table, when hearing from the doctors and seeing what they can and can’t do, just month over month, year, over year, and so on. And all of that just highlighting, in my opinion, that puts you in a very good position to say to overwhelmed parents and moms in particular. I know what it’s like to have all of these things thrust upon me, and here are the systems that you have use. So let’s talk a little bit more about your company mama systems. And you mentioned you know, the reason behind it like that. Can you give us an outline of what these types of systems are how you’ve developed them in dealing with the challenges within your own family. And then, of course, how potential clients of yours can take advantage of your experience.

Unknown Speaker 37:10
This may sound kind of silly, but I so much of it is just sitting down and taking a minute and thinking through your life, right? I think so often we’re just going from thing to thing from meal to meal, kind of living in between and getting to the next day, that we don’t even really think about what we want our life and our family to look like and what we value and what we want to make important. And so I think a lot of that is just kind of sitting down and prioritizing and writing out what we want life to look like for your people. And I’m I’m not a fool, like I know that nothing will ever go is actually how you have planned. But just having that framework and having that outline in that template. Just create structure in your day, like simply doing that test. So I work with my clients I do one on one coaching and then also have a course in the course to kind of walk you through how to create these systems. So we’ll first A lot of it is taking note and paying attention to where your family is now and what, what brings you life and what drains you. And from there, we try to make sure we prioritize the things that bring you to life and the things that drain you. We want to get off your plate as soon as possible, either by eliminating them altogether, or delegating them out to other people, whether that’s hiring a cleaning service and allowing yourself to pay for help. If you have those means or delegating them out to your kids, and then automating so many things, which I think now surely everyone is automating everything in their life. Like they’re subscribed and saving groceries and all those things that are just delivered to your home. So I’m hoping that that will help mothers in general just having this experience of being forced to do that though they will continue that on whenever life goes back to normal

Suburban Folk 38:59
in the way you’re Talking about some of those systems makes me think of business. But that probably is the right way to think of running the household.

Unknown Speaker 39:07
Greg, that’s what I’m always trying to tell my mom is that I want them to kind of move away from. I’m the cook and the cleaner and the teacher ends up like all the things that you know, the list of things to parent, the moms are like, I’m all these things. And they kind of wear it as a badge of honor that I’m so busy. And I’m so important than all these things, and to kind of move away from that and instead see themselves it’s kind of the manager of their home, and to run their home like a business and not taking out the relationships there. But more in managing, managing tasks, managing delegations and more more of an orchestrator of peace in our home instead of trying to manage it all and juggle it all themselves,

Suburban Folk 39:50
and especially with delegation, I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone. Yeah, if you do everything, especially for your kids, they’re not learning The skill of whatever that task is, plus you’re probably running yourself completely ragged trying to keep up with everything. So, yes, definitely in that case, in the version of chores, or whatever else it might happen to be, you’re allowing your children to become responsible and eventually independent adults. While again, saving yourself at least some amount of headache

Unknown Speaker 40:25
could not agree more. And I think that there’s such a, an epidemic of entitlement and my love, say that with our, with our young people today, and they don’t know how to take care of things. They don’t know how to take care of themselves, and they don’t know how to go talk to their professors or anything when they go off to college. And so I think, I mean, that’s our job as parents is to teach them how to do these things, how to be responsible adults, and so giving them responsibilities in the house. That’s where this starts, right. And it allows them to be a part of the team and you’re teaching them take stuff off your plate. Like it is so, so important. So I also, there’s also a rise in suicides and young people. And I know that that is also correlated with it, they have no purpose, they kind of see their lives have read many studies on this. I’m not an expert, but just reading. Here we go. This is where I’m getting this from. The rise in suicide is because teens don’t feel like they have a purpose. They don’t feel like they’re part of a team, they don’t belong and that people don’t need them. And so a lot of that starts with our home and letting them know that they’re valued and that they’re their presence here. And what they do here really does matter, and we really depend on them.

Suburban Folk 41:41
Now you hear similar stories for adults. So it certainly would make sense that that same concept applies to children, teenagers, probably in particular, well, let me ask you this one as a quick hit because I know in my family, both when I was growing up as well as as my wife and I are raising our kids, what’s your take on the child’s room? I’ve heard the argument for it’s their room so they get to do with it what they want, whether that’s how they decorate it, and how tidy they keep it. And then I’ve heard the other end for that that notes all the parents house it needs to be spotless clean and you know, they don’t really get a say in the way that it’s gonna look Do you? Have you had a consideration for that particular

Unknown Speaker 42:33
item? I think starting out, I wanted their rooms to be like starting out in parenting and having small kids I wanted their rooms to be picked up and cleaned up and whatever. And I think that’s still part of their responsibility now. And I think there’s several things to consider here. So all of our bedrooms are tucked back on one side of the house that I never go to. So I’m not passing by it every day and it doesn’t stress me out. Right. So it’s not like a constant, I’m going back and forth, and I see it and I get stressed out. Now if that is a source of stress for a parent, then by all means, make your children clean it up like that’s, it’s affecting you, right. But since my kids are tucked back there, I don’t, I don’t really care. And I think that part of that losing control, or lessening my control on that has been with my special buddies are really good at destroying things. And in so many ways, so I would like create a cute little room for them, and they would tear things off the wall and poke holes in the wall and urinate on the floor. And I mean, just destroy the room. And

Unknown Speaker 43:41
there’s been a lot of

Unknown Speaker 43:44
a lot of sanctification on my end of letting go of that and try not to have control over that. And so that being said, that’s kind of been my journey of like getting to a place where I’m like, I want you to pick it up, but decorating and stuff like that, like we’re bare minimum and that room like they have their clothes in their bed and that’s it. And for my other guys we have cute things in their room just because they enjoy it and whatever but I let them hang up whatever they want and kind of keep that as their space. But I think that I got there because a it’s not in my sight so I’m not constantly seeing a mess or anything but then be just because I’ve had to let go of a lot of control over bedrooms and our health.

Suburban Folk 44:28
So a little bit depends on the perspective of the person and like you said, just what’s the thing that will drive you crazy versus the stuff that you can live with? I guess a pick your battles scenario.

Unknown Speaker 44:40
Yes. And I say that like I will often tell my mom is that too. It’s like when you’re looking at your house and you’re thinking about cleaning your house and setting up the cleaning day. Don’t Don’t add everything on your list just because some website or checklist tells you to like think through like what really brings you to life what really needs to be cleaned in your home what really so if the dusty piano does Doesn’t bother you then don’t worry about vesting, like, that’s not a big deal, right? But if that’s the one thing that drives you so crazy, then add it to the top of the list, you know, so just prioritize the things because you cannot do it all. You cannot. I mean, especially Tony, you can’t control everything. So it’s a lot of loosening up and letting go of those things.

Suburban Folk 45:19
And maybe related to that. I have a note in here about the importance of having some amount of time for yourself as a parent that you’re not so overwhelmed and you can’t do some activities that you enjoy and unwind. Can you talk a little bit about why that is important? And maybe some suggestions of how people make sure they carve out time for themselves?

Unknown Speaker 45:42
Yeah, I think a lot of that happens when you just kind of sit down and plan out your week and your day and realizing what you need to be okay. So for me that’s, especially during this COVID situation. I need two hours of quiet time, so I need my people to be absolutely quiet and leave me alone. Learn for two hours. So I, I know that and I plan accordingly for that, right. But then I also know that like during our normal life, that my husband and I need to connect on a weekly basis. So we’ve set up a date night, that’s kind of a non negotiable. So we have these set things that kind of anchor us in our schedule throughout the week. That will allow us to care for ourselves for our mental health and also for our relationship and protect that. And then also, if I have girlfriends that I went to go see and hang out with it, I’ll make this a priority as well. Cool. So

Suburban Folk 46:34
make sure that you’re treating your downtime with the same rigor, that you are the rest of running your household so that you don’t lose sight of that time, which almost, I think people might think is a backwards way to look at it. But at least that way, you know, it’s structured and scheduled in there and it doesn’t just end up being the first thing that gets nixed if you get behind.

Unknown Speaker 46:54
Yes, yes, yes, yes. So before I let you go, let’s Circle all the way back

Suburban Folk 47:01
and for so for your family, what are the best rewards so far that you’ve had and putting in the amount of time and effort into making the family work?

Unknown Speaker 47:13
I think that team mentality is like big picture wise, that’s one of the best things. My daughter, I was asking her about something for some talk or interview or something. And she was saying, well, Mom, the best thing about it is that we like if somebody doesn’t do their chores, everybody else’s depending on them, like we all depend on each other. And so we’re a team or something like that. She kind of like, packaged up perfectly that’s like, Oh, god, I’m glad you’re learning that lesson, because that’s what I’m wanting to instill in you. But we kind of have a with our dishes and unloading dishes in the morning. Everybody has a little section that they unload. And if they don’t do it, I can’t load up the dishes. So my job is dependent on them. And so it’s constantly like a daily thing that I’m like, Okay, guys, you gotta come do it and they’re reminded that I I need them to do their stuff so that I can do my stuff. So that’s one. One thing. And the other thing is just being able to sit down at night, and not feel like I have a gazillion things to do. But to have our home be at a peaceful place. And for me to be able to go watch the office with my husband and not be overwhelmed with laundry or dishes or all of the household things, but all of that stuff. And not because we have a housekeeper not because we have all this help, but because we all work together as a team and we all did what we’re supposed to do. And so we’re able to sit back and enjoy each other and enjoy life.

Suburban Folk 48:37
Yeah, so it’s not nagging in the back of your mind that there’s other things that need to need to happen. And I think that something else that’s becoming more apparent again with where we see ourselves today and being at home is for those that already do a lot of work from home in remote work, there’s the concept of those two worlds blending into each other. And then even the guilt that if you’re spending time on one, that you’re not focusing enough on the other that it’s sort of a zero sum game between the two. So I think there is an important concept there as well, that as work from home may very well become more and more common for people are certainly working even after hours having your computer that you can take home, try to get rid of some of that nagging feeling and make sure that your family is on the same page with what needs to happen but also on the other end of that as much as you can set those boundaries for the working parents out there. So that it doesn’t bleed over into the business of your family. I think all the better for just the family dynamic.

Unknown Speaker 49:50
I handstand agree and thinking. It’s again going back to that structuring of this is my work time and so During my work time, I want you to be doing X, Y, and Z and just setting those expectations very clearly for your people. And coming up with a game plan for you and your spouse of like, what that will look like for both of you working or also getting home homeschooling done. Like all of those things, there’s so many pieces there. And so it’s a lot about just getting a game plan in place of what the new normal will look like. And then being really loose with that game plan. And knowing that your two hours of uninterrupted time might actually get interrupted and coming up with a game plan for how to handle that.

Suburban Folk 50:28
Be aware of scenarios that may come up so that you can be flexible. Yes, that also is a good tool to have in your toolkit. Well, Laura, I know these are some pretty big topics that we’re talking about. Certainly we could have whole episodes on foster care and adoption, dealing with special needs kids again, how timely it is with homeschooling given everything else that is going on. So is there anything that we didn’t hit? That’s important to note in any of these different nuances of the family.

Unknown Speaker 51:02
Yeah, I think one of the big things that I’m helping new homeschooling mamas with is kind of helping them with anchors throughout their day. And how we do that in our household is we’ll have alarms go off on Alexa. And so for lunchtime, like around 1130, she’ll go off and say, like, whatever her alarm thing is, and say that it’s time to prepare lunch, and then again at five o’clock for five o’clock jobs. And then for me for 845 to go check chores to make sure everybody’s done what they’re supposed to do. And then after that, we go start our homeschool day. So having those little alarms throughout the day, which again, we’re not like robots and do exactly what she says all the time. But just having her say that it’s like, oh, yeah, I gotta go make lunch, which sounds really silly. But often, if I don’t have those, it’ll be like two o’clock and I’m like, shoot, I didn’t feed anybody. I gotta, I gotta get up and make lunch. And so it’s like, I’m always trying to play catch up. And so she just kind of helps me stay on track and I realized, I’m using a few They’ll print out for a track device. But having Alexa go off will help me kind of stay on track and keep our day flowing. Keep it somewhat smooth.

Suburban Folk 52:10
But think that sounds like a good tip as well, whether it’s Alexa or maybe even if people have a calendar up on their kitchen board or something like that, that has sort of the hour by hour, day by day, something that keeps you on track so that like you said, the day doesn’t get away from you. Yes. Before I let you go, do you want to give folks your contact info your website if they can find you on social media anywhere and if you have any other upcoming news items or events that you want to let people know about?

Unknown Speaker 52:39
Yeah, so mama systems dotnet is my website and at mama systems on Instagram and Mama systems on Facebook’s pretty easy across the board and I have made my master course that is on my website. I have made that the coupon code for COVID-19 just to give mamas tools to help them bring Pieces system to their home during this kind of everything, tumultuous time. So that is definitely a possibility and it was left to serve your family in any way that I possibly can.

Suburban Folk 53:10
Perfect when I will also, of course put all the information in the show notes as well as make sure folks know any promotions that you’re running for what we’re all dealing with right now on Instagram. So Laura again, I really appreciate you taking the time to be on the show, and we will be in touch.

Unknown Speaker 53:27
Okay, thank you so much.

Suburban Folk 53:30
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